Dave

"You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you've lost them forever." 
-Wayne Dyer




Hindsight is the clearest light.... It has been 4 years since my brother Dave lost his fight.  For 4 years, I've felt guilt for not being a good sister and visiting him when he was in the hospital.  I know it was a good part due to my selfish behavior and excuses but another part I think was denial.  I didn't want to accept the "what if."  Now four years later, a few more years of maturity and I still can't seem to accept the "what if" or let go of the guilt.  I wish I could change the choices I made.  But I can't.


Dear Dave,
 I'm sorry Dave.  You were a great person and a strong person.  You were loved by so many people, still are.  I am so happy that you were able to meet my Jonathan when I visited Dad's.  I wish that you were here to meet my little guy on the way. Thank you for the memories that I do have with you.  I still have all your text messages saved on my cell phone from our conversations when you were sick.  I wish I would have been a better sister and have had those conversations in person with you, not through an electronic device.  


Sometimes I even feel guilty about grieving like I don't have the right to grieve... that because of my choices/mistakes I don't deserve the right to still be upset.  That those who made different choices than I did, that were there when you needed them, that's who have the right to feel the upset... the sadness....


But I do think of you often and wish things had been different.  That I had been there.  


I miss you Dave and I love you. <3


Love your sis,
Trish