Baby Mine- January 20, 2012 10:35 PM

My baby boy is officially a week old today.  I cannot believe that he is here.  All the waiting, discomfort, and banning of food was well worth it.  So is the lack of sleep during the nighttime hours- definitely worth it.  My Blake is so beautiful.


Blake William was born on January 20, 2012 @ 11:43 am.... he is 22 inches long (which puts him in the 100th percentile in height for his age- who would've thought MY son would be at the top of the height chart for his age??!) and weighed 7 lbs 15 oz.  No epidural (just Nubain for back labor pain).  It relaxed me so much that I fell asleep between contractions...

Just moments after he was born <3

I don't believe it has truly set in yet that I'm a mommy- his mommy.  I keep expecting someone to wake me up from this wonderful dream.  I love seeing how much he has changed every day.  How much he's grown.  He is truly amazing.  I keep hoping that I'm doing everything right and that I'm giving him what he needs.  But as my heading states- I'm learning as I go along.....

Dave

"You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you've lost them forever." 
-Wayne Dyer




Hindsight is the clearest light.... It has been 4 years since my brother Dave lost his fight.  For 4 years, I've felt guilt for not being a good sister and visiting him when he was in the hospital.  I know it was a good part due to my selfish behavior and excuses but another part I think was denial.  I didn't want to accept the "what if."  Now four years later, a few more years of maturity and I still can't seem to accept the "what if" or let go of the guilt.  I wish I could change the choices I made.  But I can't.


Dear Dave,
 I'm sorry Dave.  You were a great person and a strong person.  You were loved by so many people, still are.  I am so happy that you were able to meet my Jonathan when I visited Dad's.  I wish that you were here to meet my little guy on the way. Thank you for the memories that I do have with you.  I still have all your text messages saved on my cell phone from our conversations when you were sick.  I wish I would have been a better sister and have had those conversations in person with you, not through an electronic device.  


Sometimes I even feel guilty about grieving like I don't have the right to grieve... that because of my choices/mistakes I don't deserve the right to still be upset.  That those who made different choices than I did, that were there when you needed them, that's who have the right to feel the upset... the sadness....


But I do think of you often and wish things had been different.  That I had been there.  


I miss you Dave and I love you. <3


Love your sis,
Trish

Waiting

Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch.
-- E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

I'm glad that the baby stayed in long enough for the shower but now the waiting of his arrival (which could be any day) is tough!  I just want to meet him and hold him.  I want to hold his little fingers and touch his little toes.  I want to smell his skin and look upon his face.  I want to sing to him and watch him sleep.  I want to watch Jonathan hold him and see the tears in his eyes as he gazes upon his little boy.

It has always been hard for me to be patient.  I know that once the process of his arrival starts, my patience will be tested even more (along with my tolerance for pain and discomfort).  But in the end, I will get to meet my baby.... and all the patience and waiting will be worth it.